UKIP blame bird flu outbreak on Russian Wigeon named Putin

On the eve of the Rochester by-election, UKIP today attempted to whip up their already confused supporters into a xenophobic and fear-fuelled voting frenzy.

Whilst DEFRA had been prepared to attribute the recent confirmed outbreak of the H5N8 strain of bird flu at a duck farm in East Yorkshire to ‘a wild bird origin’, UKIP took things a step further this morning when they blamed a recently arrived Wigeon from Russia for the disease’s arrival in Britain.

“It’s perfectly clear to us that this dirty Russian immigrant has come here hoping to tap into our country’s over-generous welfare system!” sputtered Enid Felcher, a staunch and swivel-eyed UKIP party member from Chatham.

“It’s a sign of how the Tories have broken Britain – and not content with that, they’ve imposed sanctions on Russia, god only knows why, and that’s driving these desperate Wigeon to try to claim asylum in our warm, cosy duck farms.

“And once they’re there, they start taking the jobs from good, honest, British-born domestic ducks. When they’re not stealing the position of delicious Chinese restaurant starter, they’re signing on and drawing benefits... and now they’re bringing their weird contagious respiratory diseases with them. The filthy, greedy and above all, foreign bastards!”

Vladimir Putin, a Wigeon originally from a small wetland near St Petersburg, said, “This is just Nigel Farage and his deranged cohorts trying to start a new cold war. And speaking of colds, I may be running a high temperature and generally feeling like shit, but I’ve not got bird flu.

“It’s just a bit of a sniffle”.

Tory badger defects to UKIP

The annual Conservative Party conference has been rocked this week by the defection of the Tory’s only badger Member of Parliament to arch-rivals UKIP.

Tom Logan MP, a badger from Rochester, announced he’d had enough of the Conservatives’ “wishy-washy” policies on immigration and Europe, adding “I wish they’d stop shooting badgers too, come to think of it”.

The resumption of a badger cull in an attempt to stem the spread of bovine tuberculosis has been strangely low on the Conservatives’ political agenda during the current party conference, with MPs preferring to discuss more pressing issues such as the country’s deficit, the future management of the NHS, and lifting the former Labour government’s hunting ban to allow the hunting with hounds of illegal immigrants, benefit cheats, and “anyone with a funny-sounding, foreign Johnny name”.

Basil Brush, the leader of UKIP, grinned toothsomely and said “We’re delighted to welcome this arguably bigoted and none-too-bright badger into our midst. I look forward sharing some xenophobic and economically unsound views with him over a pint of warm bitter in my local. We’ve got plenty in common, and he may be able to assist me in choosing a venue for our next party rally.

“Sadly it can’t be in mainland Europe, so that’s Nuremberg out”.