Thursday, 23 October 2014

Natural yoghurt shortage hits Out Hebrides

The Out Hebrides today is suffering the effects of a sudden shortage of natural yoghurt, believed to have been caused by Hurricane Gonzalo.

Dr Tom McLogan, the GP for Stornoway, commented “We understand that the extreme weather conditions caused by the remains of Hurricane Gonzalo striking the west coast may have disrupted supplies of natural yoghurt to the islands.

“The dairy section shelves of the Co-op in Stornoway are empty, and I heard the rural shops ran out of yoghurt yesterday too. I'm told some of the white settlers may have limited supplies of natural goat yoghurt, but that’s not going to help us as the crisis develops.

“Because everyone knows that goat-derived dairy products are bogging, and only fit for hippies, druids and special, home-educated children”.

The effects of the yoghurt shortage are already being felt in the Hebrides, with the first reported cases of thrush coming to light in the past 24 hours on North Uist and Barra. Dr McLogan added “I’ll be candid with you. These are probably just the tip of a big thrush iceberg. For now, the first cases appear to be relatively mild, the easily treated Grey-cheeked and slightly more contagious Hermit strains of the disease. God help us all if the outbreak mutates and spreads...

“At the first sign of cases of Bicknell’s or Wood Thrush we’re going to have to seal ourselves off from the mainland, and stop all travel into the islands. It'll be for your own safety.

“In the meantime, I’d ask you all to pray for us. Things are getting pretty yeasty here in the hot-zone right now”.

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