tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22217192881672054442024-03-13T22:37:58.002+00:00reservoir catsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-57654207162713106442014-12-12T11:38:00.000+00:002014-12-12T11:38:56.699+00:00RSPB scientists to create new super-predator<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCjryAY4DITFRNmG9QCckqgUo322dWVKisXLXjR3yXj2neaK3-yLRpNDq4XkG1U1suOMoC6CR78UPthn9WO5CK778qsMxI1lrL3-coiJfyhiDkDidFUV13n7CVsmZEqKTFtPPJg42Lsj_p/s1600/moreau.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_93453="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCjryAY4DITFRNmG9QCckqgUo322dWVKisXLXjR3yXj2neaK3-yLRpNDq4XkG1U1suOMoC6CR78UPthn9WO5CK778qsMxI1lrL3-coiJfyhiDkDidFUV13n7CVsmZEqKTFtPPJg42Lsj_p/s1600/moreau.jpg" gta="true" height="320" width="228" /></a></div>
News emerged today that a shadowy team of RSPB scientists have been tasked to create a new avian super-predator, a nightmarish hybrid between a Cormorant and a Hen Harrier.<br />
<br />
“It’s going to be every angler and every shooting estate’s worst nightmare,” said a gleeful Dr Montgomery Moreau, the lead scientist for the project. “Picture, if you will, an omnivorous hybrid that’s as happy catching carp as it snaffling grouse chicks. The incorporation of waterproofing into the Cormorant is a definite advance, as is the increased aerial manoeuvrability. This bad boy can hunt fish like an Osprey.<br />
<br />
“At the same time, instead of faffing around tearing up prey items into little bits on a grouse moor, the Cormorant-like ability to swallow prey whole in a couple of quick gulps means the new hybrids will be able to literally scarf down entire broods of newly-hatched Red Grouse. <br />
<br />
“It’s going to be carnage in the uplands and in the lakes. Why are we doing this, you might ask? Well, partly because we’re just bored of justifying the perfectly natural actions of species like Cormorants and Hen Harriers when faced with an unnaturally dense food source.<br />
<br />
“But mainly just because we can”.<br />
<br />
Edward Prendick, a plainly confused supporter of comedy pro-country sports lobbying group You Forgot The Birds blustered, “Yeah, well, we’re going to make a hybrid of our own, so there! It’s going to be a cross between a gamekeeper and a farmer! <br />
<br />
“Meaning it’ll be completely at home handling illegal pesticides, competent with a shotgun, brilliant at sourcing massive amounts of public subsidy, and adept at currying favour with politicians. The only problem we can foresee is hybrid sterility...<br />
<br />
“Because, as anyone who knows the first thing about country sports would tell you, anyone who likes shooting animals for fun invariably has a tiny, <i>tiny</i> penis”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-2547686885488013712014-12-02T16:58:00.000+00:002014-12-02T16:58:50.562+00:00Poisoning project aims to rid South Georgia of world’s largest rat problem<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSeMHD8f4nw59X0KPMOHFLZeWuUkkrS6JoJU6INlvS9Son2iNz5-eYNOZRShPZu6c0FwRM6276Ewaa-Ut34bB57SyuxfrqA4M5vbeu9y0Kx1KYPAa7UK0pirokB_u4MGU4ikqjFwMcWzyB/s1600/giant+south+georgian+rat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_433379="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSeMHD8f4nw59X0KPMOHFLZeWuUkkrS6JoJU6INlvS9Son2iNz5-eYNOZRShPZu6c0FwRM6276Ewaa-Ut34bB57SyuxfrqA4M5vbeu9y0Kx1KYPAa7UK0pirokB_u4MGU4ikqjFwMcWzyB/s1600/giant+south+georgian+rat.jpg" eta="true" /></a></div>
“It’s an absolute fucking monster,” observes Arthur Balsam, the conservationist leading the project that aims to eradicate South Georgia’s enormous rat problem.<br />
<br />
The rat in question has been living on South Georgia for some two centuries now, and is believed to have been introduced there by visiting sailors. For the past couple of hundred years it has fed on the chicks of the millions of seabirds that nest on the island, and has caused their populations to crash by some 90%.<br />
<br />
“You remember how MacDonald’s staff used to ask you if you wanted to ‘go large’ on your meal?” asked Professor Balsam. “Well this fat bastard has been going large on King Penguins for decades. And look at the situation now – we’ve got a seabird population that’s teetering on the brink of total collapse, and a rat that blots out the sun as it waddles around chowing down on penguins and albatrosses”.<br />
<br />
Professor Balsam’s team will begin a £2.5m poison bait-dropping program in February 2015. They intend to use helicopters to airlift in a 95 tonne pellet of Brodifacoum, which will be cunningly concealed in the traditional fashion beneath a massive section of plastic guttering held down by a couple of big stones.<br />
<br />
“We’re hopeful the rat will take the bait and succumb once and for all,” commented Professor Balsam. “But just in case it doesn’t, we’ll be leaving a secure store of poison on the island afterwards by way of a contingency plan. I’ve seen Godzilla. I know how difficult it is to slay an improbably super-big <i>kaiju</i>.<br />
<br />
“And I don’t fancy trying to use a cricket bat to deliver a <i>coup de grace</i> to this hairy motherfucker”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-42409281721451290132014-11-28T16:43:00.002+00:002014-11-28T16:43:26.137+00:00‘Fuck you’, say Ruddy Ducks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjonEz9vAN1UIg5HvYOxRlMgNCoLckbIi79YWF1pNGbb6YKjoesbq2cOak40ZCXlhxIjXyBFvshXHF6cAtTJ5lgno-fqa-xV01KgCT81NWapLNgkmy6z4jLjpXQBDqqk-S6Mx1dPpDoDWJg/s1600/ruddy+duck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_224447="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjonEz9vAN1UIg5HvYOxRlMgNCoLckbIi79YWF1pNGbb6YKjoesbq2cOak40ZCXlhxIjXyBFvshXHF6cAtTJ5lgno-fqa-xV01KgCT81NWapLNgkmy6z4jLjpXQBDqqk-S6Mx1dPpDoDWJg/s1600/ruddy+duck.jpg" eta="true" height="320" width="222" /></a></div>
Britain’s surviving Ruddy Ducks said a big, hearty “fuck you” to DEFRA today. Speaking from a secret location in Dorset, the survivors of the ongoing culling program issued a press release in which they slammed DEFRA’s sub-contracted marksmen as ‘inept gun-toting twats who should stick to industrially reared Pheasants’ and promised to ‘breed like a bastard’ next year.<br />
<br />
Tom Logan, a Ruddy Duck drake who divides his time between Dorset and Hampshire, said “Peter Scott would be proud of us. We’re enduring against all the odds. <br />
<br />
“Although to be fair, if DEFRA employed birders instead of so-called professional marksmen, they might actually have an inkling as to where we hang out. I mean, it’s not exactly as if we’re inconspicuous. I’ve got a neon-bright blue beak, for fuck's sake.<br />
<br />
“I’m planning on spending the early part of next year getting a few broods underway, and then I think I’ll fuck off to Spain and shag a White-headed Duck or three with my improbably massive duck penis. Those sexy Spanish senoritas... I just can’t resist. I know I shouldn’t, but...<br />
<br />
"You know what, I think I will”.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, a shooterist employed by DEFRA in recent years said “They’ve got wise to us. And if I’m honest, I’ve a sneaking admiration for the Ruddies. They get to live an adrenalin-charged life of shagging on the edge of the law. Sounds like fun to me.”<br />
<br />
Tom Logan peered cautiously up and down his chosen body of water, and defiantly added “Fuck you, DEFRA”.<br />
<br />
And with that, he vanished into the reeds.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-89722685570633953392014-11-19T12:23:00.002+00:002014-11-19T12:23:42.989+00:00UKIP blame bird flu outbreak on Russian Wigeon named Putin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimiWXO8zixuDYZAFsQimRUbsmLSMb776jSIQHSFghM1p7wtVdYeLvW3B8TqeEPb1W-ZuGmLsdu3FAUUmRDnBNph7HpxZmINQNccnieu7FkJ1IZtWc-yShDA2F5NOugdGF-k7IcFUmR39Zs/s1600/sick+wigeon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_817548="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimiWXO8zixuDYZAFsQimRUbsmLSMb776jSIQHSFghM1p7wtVdYeLvW3B8TqeEPb1W-ZuGmLsdu3FAUUmRDnBNph7HpxZmINQNccnieu7FkJ1IZtWc-yShDA2F5NOugdGF-k7IcFUmR39Zs/s1600/sick+wigeon.jpg" eta="true" /></a></div>
On the eve of the Rochester by-election, UKIP today attempted to whip up their already confused supporters into a xenophobic and fear-fuelled voting frenzy.<br />
<br />
Whilst DEFRA had been prepared to attribute the recent confirmed outbreak of the H5N8 strain of bird flu at a duck farm in East Yorkshire to ‘a wild bird origin’, UKIP took things a step further this morning when they blamed a recently arrived Wigeon from Russia for the disease’s arrival in Britain.<br />
<br />
“It’s perfectly clear to us that this dirty Russian immigrant has come here hoping to tap into our country’s over-generous welfare system!” sputtered Enid Felcher, a staunch and swivel-eyed UKIP party member from Chatham. <br />
<br />
“It’s a sign of how the Tories have broken Britain – and not content with that, they’ve imposed sanctions on Russia, god only knows why, and that’s driving these desperate Wigeon to try to claim asylum in our warm, cosy duck farms.<br />
<br />
“And once they’re there, they start taking the jobs from good, honest, British-born domestic ducks. When they’re not stealing the position of delicious Chinese restaurant starter, they’re signing on and drawing benefits... and now they’re bringing their weird contagious respiratory diseases with them. The filthy, greedy and above all, foreign bastards!” <br />
<br />
Vladimir Putin, a Wigeon originally from a small wetland near St Petersburg, said, “This is just Nigel Farage and his deranged cohorts trying to start a new cold war. And speaking of colds, I may be running a high temperature and generally feeling like shit, but I’ve not got bird flu.<br />
<br />
“It’s just a bit of a sniffle”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-22075231998440137382014-11-17T13:06:00.000+00:002014-11-17T13:06:44.740+00:00Desperate tickers mark Mugimaki Flycatcher anniversary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifwYDoTENaOiOzTPmRC2dM17Cnk4oMD3NBoI_1SNXo0GhpqjzUpOBC2ckfRdGwuj7kDk5vQJ5U9hIXzCuFOAw92otnht-AwEPT6IHSa98ibFcqAS-ElYrt0vvhMMnqYSpIB87sTfn0uPk_/s1600/quack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_445894="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifwYDoTENaOiOzTPmRC2dM17Cnk4oMD3NBoI_1SNXo0GhpqjzUpOBC2ckfRdGwuj7kDk5vQJ5U9hIXzCuFOAw92otnht-AwEPT6IHSa98ibFcqAS-ElYrt0vvhMMnqYSpIB87sTfn0uPk_/s1600/quack.jpg" eta="true" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
With today marking the 23rd anniversary of the ill-fated appearance of a Mugimaki Flycatcher in Humberside, a new birders’ news service has been launched to cater for those who are interested in devoting lots of time and plenty of money to seeing escaped birds at large in the UK.<br />
<br />
Birds I Really Don’t Get Unless I’m Desperate & Easily Satisfied (BIRDGUID&ES) promises to provide an accurate news service devoted entirely to the sort of dodgy rubbish that, in a more discerning past, birders wouldn’t have bothered to get out of bed for.<br />
<br />
Practically anything will be newsworthy – be it a Common Bulbul sporting an aviculturist’s ring, a half-blind and lame Blue Rock Thrush, or a pet Snowy Sheathbill wandering a dock and wondering where all the on-board scraps have gone.<br />
<br />
“This is precisely what I’ve been waiting for!” exclaimed a clearly delighted Tom Logan. “Up until now nobody has taken my desire to augment my list with plastic crap seriously. <br />
<br />
“You’d get the occasional report of a dodgy House Finch or Red-fronted Serin, but by and large the existing bird services haven’t catered for the truly desperate lister. You only have to look at the vitriol poured out on any Birdforum thread devoted to an escaped bird. That’s where you’ll see the utter contempt that most people have for blokes like me who don’t have functional adult relationships with anyone but other like-minded arseholes.<br />
<br />
“Well, now we have a news provider that’s taking seriously our need to validate ourselves by adorning our lists with as many species as possible!”<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, a birder who saw the Mugimaki Flycatcher at Stone Creek on 17th November 1991, remains indifferent. “Everyone who saw the Mugimaki at the time knew it was the real deal, and the subsequent decision by the British Ornithologists Union Records Committee to label it as an escape was laughable. Lest we forget, this is the same committee that latterly opened the door to Hooded Merganser, for fuck’s sake.<br />
<br />
“It’s a sign of the times that people are getting excited about reports on the news services of escaped bulbuls. <br />
<br />
“Ship-assisted my hairy arse”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-91391801182953067112014-11-12T12:31:00.001+00:002014-11-12T12:31:32.381+00:00British birding ‘getting a bit dull’ say birders<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqVQn_woH5S2acffsa_1b2rZN1JCPji6JC8lJl-drePzdOI38S6KxFIDaDXmwgFw7EQmVb6SfsIDKKSSvZHoU_ydqVHZdD1jNAyMkKIxe1f4N5jkNiqhEHVOjeeesXO2nEFt24S0s9pJQE/s1600/dna+stuff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_41972="null" dta="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqVQn_woH5S2acffsa_1b2rZN1JCPji6JC8lJl-drePzdOI38S6KxFIDaDXmwgFw7EQmVb6SfsIDKKSSvZHoU_ydqVHZdD1jNAyMkKIxe1f4N5jkNiqhEHVOjeeesXO2nEFt24S0s9pJQE/s1600/dna+stuff.jpg" /></a></div>
Britain’s birders reluctantly admitted today that they’re a bit bored of the whole thing, and in the absence of anything colourful, new and distinctly different to see, they’re considering taking up an entirely new and fulfilling past-time, like golf.<br />
<br />
“It’s partly because, once you’ve seen all the bright resident stuff like Blue Tits and Green Woodpeckers, you’re left with vagrant birds to provide variety,” said Arthur Balsam, a birdwatcher from Faversham. “And, let’s be brutally honest, they’re invariably dull as fuck to look at, for all they’re numerically rare in Britain.<br />
<br />
“Look at the news these past few days. American Coot in Co.Kerry? Dull as fuck. And as for the putative eastern <i>lagopodum</i> subspecies of House Martin, I’d tell you that’s dull as fuck too but you wouldn’t be able to hear me over the sound of a massive barrel being desperately scraped. What the merry hell is the birding world coming to? When did it all get so tedious?<br />
<br />
“We used to take the piss when Lee Evans banged on about some obscure subspecies deserving to be taken as seriously as the nominate full species. Now Martin Garner's at it, it's a different matter entirely. Which is odd".<br />
<br />
The issue of tricky subspecies continues to exercise birders, with many uneasy about ticking any mooted species that can only be safely identified with a DNA sample, a sonogram, or a generous slice of wishful thinking in the field. For many, it smacks of desperation.<br />
<br />
“Time was when I used to look at the Birding Frontiers website for cutting edge identification tips. Now it’s all possible split this and potential first subspecies for the Western Palearctic that,” added a disgruntled Mr Balsam.<br />
<br />
“I bet Martin Garner would really, secretly, like to break the news of a nice, incontrovertible, properly rare species.<br />
<br />
“Narcissus Flycatcher, for example. That’d be a good one”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-58285407736022092242014-11-10T14:38:00.003+00:002014-11-10T14:39:56.038+00:00Santa to boycott disgraced Norfolk gamekeeper<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO4NS9BUB2iwENE-OQcFobwojjCIPSwG4tNNk8VM0NtOP0FLXqYcajn-uELHz1I6YdYreVRZkyl-u1lS1gODX5F9NzoetgB3rAn814S7JCT-tLYqd6pOOH_XJLARfEbp6kreP3Hp1LVJ1_/s1600/poisoned+buzzards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_822948="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO4NS9BUB2iwENE-OQcFobwojjCIPSwG4tNNk8VM0NtOP0FLXqYcajn-uELHz1I6YdYreVRZkyl-u1lS1gODX5F9NzoetgB3rAn814S7JCT-tLYqd6pOOH_XJLARfEbp6kreP3Hp1LVJ1_/s1600/poisoned+buzzards.jpg" mua="true" /></a></div>
A gamekeeper from Norfolk, Allen Lambert, was convicted last week of poisoning 11 birds of prey on the Stody Estate in what the RSPB described as the ‘worst case ever detected in Britain’<br />
<br />
District judge Peter Veits warned Britain’s rural aristocracy that they need to take responsibility for their employees’ actions, but fell short of imposing a custodial sentence on Lambert, instead convicting him to a 10 week jail term suspended for one year. While many felt this was unduly lenient given the gravity of Lambert’s crime – he was found guilty of poisoning 10 Buzzards and a Sparrowhawk – higher powers were alerted to his misdemeanours, and are imposing a far sterner sanction. <br />
<br />
“He’s not going to get any presents from Father Christmas this year,” said Buddy, a spokeself from Lapland. “Santa doesn’t bring presents to naughty boys and girls, and Allen’s been a very naughty boy indeed this year.<br />
<br />
“Santa’s not cross with him. He’s just very, <i>very</i> disappointed. And he hopes Allen will be better behaved next year<br />
<br />
Whilst many bird-lovers were initially dismayed by the perceived leniency of the sentence, they have been mollified by the stern response from Santa Claus. Tom Logan, a birder from Norwich, said “This is more like it. Ideally, I’d have liked to have seen him sent down for at least six months, if not longer. But at least this way he won’t be finding any shiny new pots of Carbofuran in his stocking on Christmas morning, and that’s going to hurt him deeply, I’m sure”.<br />
<br />
Others are less convinced. “Fuck that shit”, said the Easter Bunny. “This bitch gets nothing from me anytime soon. Years without an Easter egg...<br />
<br />
"He should have thought about <i>that</i> when he poisoned those birds”.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-49947453063160600342014-11-07T10:11:00.001+00:002014-11-07T15:47:49.485+00:00BTO urged to make ringing licences easier to come by<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUd1IuPCsfyyTrIG1R3UScfTGKjt65WFdrZ54G5qMacypsNVcFH3BwRFXQqY5Do6qQRlULvqyp_Jc-16z9UCPm56XyhRxHRPZz-ce3s4rFkLQVqehOiybqg-TTIeW-Fi_8i2knyDf4Znjd/s1600/netted.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_60807="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUd1IuPCsfyyTrIG1R3UScfTGKjt65WFdrZ54G5qMacypsNVcFH3BwRFXQqY5Do6qQRlULvqyp_Jc-16z9UCPm56XyhRxHRPZz-ce3s4rFkLQVqehOiybqg-TTIeW-Fi_8i2knyDf4Znjd/s1600/netted.jpg" height="320" mua="true" width="226" /></a></div>
Calls were made today for the British Trust for Ornithology (BTO) to make getting a ringing licence a much easier process than it currently is.<br />
<br />
As it stands, any birder who wants to get a ringing licence needs to undergo a scientifically rigorous training program of carrying an established ringer’s bag and pliers, untangling their mentor’s nets when they get snagged in a bush, learning some feather tracts and ringing as many birds as humanly possible. This is how it has been for decades – and now it is felt in many quarters that the process needs to adapt to the modern era.<br />
<br />
Mike Hunt, a birder and compulsive shagger from Cardiff, said “The BTO really needs to move with the times, and recognise what birders have known for years – that ringing is, for many, just a way to reinvigorate their birding when it’s getting a bit stale and the lifers are becoming thin on the ground. I like to think of it as being like having an affair or three when your long-term relationship’s got a little samey...<br />
<br />
“Once you start ringing, it’s like starting afresh all over again. Every single species is a new ‘ringing tick’ for you. Better still, you actually have to physically catch and hold the bird. It satisfies that deep primal hunting instinct in all of us. Your listing itch is well and truly scratched, and better yet, you can hide it beneath the veneer that ringing is ‘adding to science’.<br />
<br />
“If it’s done as part of a focused research project, or at a constant effort and strategically located migration watchpoint like Portland or Fair Isle, that’s probably true.<br />
<br />
“But if it’s a case of, to pick a wholly fictitious example entirely at random, you being out birding one late autumn day and finding something obvious like a male Siberian Rubythroat, calling your mates, sticking up a net, catching it and slapping a ring on it... well, that’s not science is it? That’s just adding to your ringing list. It’s all about you, and has fuck all to do with science or the bird’s welfare.<br />
<br />
“So, seeing as the BTO appears to let that sort of thing go on unchallenged despite it contravening their ringing guidelines, they might as well just call open season and automatically issue C permits on receipt of a stamped addressed envelope and a £10 donation from anyone who fancies fondling vagrant birds and adding to their ringing lists.<br />
<br />
“Sorry, I meant to say ‘adding to science’. Silly me”.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-38444898247667277342014-11-05T12:58:00.000+00:002014-11-05T12:58:43.125+00:00'Bollocks' linked with You Forgot the Birds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwBd3c2WmVuT37al_9re4_bDRcmx5THvtBdr2OjxZOB2bUSA2EAkJV0IcgFSNRgMhRsgXjpasr9WX5nqfk1j4Uam3BEr1AICqS350YjsZEWkG6D9hXfWD-ickImKYMXXfltEzjsJ6PxBAL/s1600/beefy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_391435="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwBd3c2WmVuT37al_9re4_bDRcmx5THvtBdr2OjxZOB2bUSA2EAkJV0IcgFSNRgMhRsgXjpasr9WX5nqfk1j4Uam3BEr1AICqS350YjsZEWkG6D9hXfWD-ickImKYMXXfltEzjsJ6PxBAL/s1600/beefy.jpg" mua="true" /></a></div>
A new campaigning group has been set up this week in response to anti-RSPB (and apparently pro-bloodsport) lobby You Forgot the Birds.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, spokesman for newly formed You Forgot the Purdeys, commented “At first, we didn’t think it was even worth bothering to respond to You Forgot the Birds. But once we’d had a gander at their website, double-checked that we weren’t looking at the spookily similar Songbird Survival pages, and stopped laughing at their numerous groundless and scientifically-flawed assertions, we realised that perhaps some sort of response was in order.<br />
<br />
“So we’re providing a forum for birders and the general public alike, for anyone who isn’t credulous and hard of thinking, for anyone who thinks that You Forgot the Birds celebrity spokesman Ian Botham should have stuck to cricket commentary and left the ecology to actual ecologists, and for anyone who’s taken more than a cursory glance at You Forgot the Birds’ website and laughed so much they did a little wee in their pants.<br />
<br />
“You’re all welcome to join us. In particular we’d welcome any former international cricketers called Ian who don’t happen to run a commercial shoot from their home in North Yorkshire and hence don’t have a spectacular conflict of interest when hinting that raptor control would benefit pretty little songbirds like Chaffinchs whilst, coincidentally, also being precisely what most grouse and pheasant shoots appear to think is for the best”. <br />
<br />
In 2007 former Australian cricket captain Ian Chappell observed, “There are many skeletons dangling in Botham's cupboard, ranging from stories of drug-taking to general thuggery, and if he keeps peddling his lies, there's every chance more of these stories will emerge".<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam concluded, “Mr Chappell would be a fine figurehead for our campaign. I bet, for example, his Twitter feed has never featured a photo of a penis, nor that he’s had to explain said dick away by claiming his Twitter account had been hacked...<br />
<br />
“Perhaps someone would like to post a photo of some testicles on the You Forgot the Birds Twitter feed?<br />
<br />
“#bollocks”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-40351813545629454732014-11-03T12:59:00.000+00:002014-11-03T13:03:26.258+00:00GWCT concerned about missing gamekeepers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVya1AR10Y7dEvrQ7zfTCWDwdsJZsHfaavh_nFTpfgp1PGsDHvTVTcPHgbpJ6wxsw6mxC_fZOSPnDUnplZ40YMn70QtCez2mlBTkJoYhw9xaB8ZFAMFYNbrwfGPXvjBtPHObKYEkPt_SjA/s1600/missing+keepers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_478608="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVya1AR10Y7dEvrQ7zfTCWDwdsJZsHfaavh_nFTpfgp1PGsDHvTVTcPHgbpJ6wxsw6mxC_fZOSPnDUnplZ40YMn70QtCez2mlBTkJoYhw9xaB8ZFAMFYNbrwfGPXvjBtPHObKYEkPt_SjA/s1600/missing+keepers.jpg" height="320" mua="true" width="229" /></a></div>
The Gamekeeper Welfare Conservation Trust (GWCT) aired concerns today about the fate of satellite-tagged gamekeepers that have mysteriously vanished in the past few months.<br />
<br />
The young keepers all had satellite tags attached to them earlier this year by GWCT staff operating in the uplands of northern England. At the time of writing, only three of the nine keepers tagged are known to still be alive – of the remaining six keepers, two are known to have died of natural causes (believed in both cases to be overindulgence in Farmers Weekly, the Shooting Times, and NFU press releases). But of the remaining four keepers, there is no sign.<br />
<br />
“Their disappearance is mysterious, to say the least,” remarked Arthur Balsam, spokesman for GWCT, “and at worst, is deeply suspicious. Had some natural mishap befallen them, their satellite tags should have continued to transmit the location of their remains. <br />
<br />
“But they’ve gone completely off the radar. It’s almost as if someone has shot them and stuffed the satellite tag down a fox earth where, were it to be found, it would absolve the guilty party of all blame, and implicate the fox instead”.<br />
<br />
The gamekeepers’ disappearance is particularly worrying for one species in particular, the highly endangered Hen Harrier, a species that to all intents and purposes stands on the brink of extinction as an English breeding bird. <br />
<br />
“We’re really worried,” said Tom Logan, a Hen Harrier from the Pennines. “Without a viable population of gamekeepers, who will protect us from all the threats we face? From the rapacious foxes, those wicked badgers, and not to mention all those mysterious shotgun wielding louts who seem to delight in randomly shooting us?<br />
<br />
“Thank goodness for the efforts of those committed custodians of biodiversity, the gamekeepers, is all I can say. I just hope these young missing keepers are okay after all.<br />
<br />
“We’d like to hope that, against all the odds, they return to the moors to breed with one another again next year”. <br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-90921941482364189582014-10-31T09:54:00.001+00:002014-11-03T13:00:02.347+00:00Wardens ‘rendered’ in RSPB jobs bloodbath<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQiEpMdJar8yxpj7B-l6sk5SQFN7MK4L1_d6mMN1DKFojRGTr1kpl_3vQlPxsReI-WJCG_k1w0xFsTB59DuQ65vg6QTU8-l3q7sSFVrL-R6LaPzKKSOCU5l825Wig7ac1LtRYP23hey4zl/s1600/warden+balls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_705608="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQiEpMdJar8yxpj7B-l6sk5SQFN7MK4L1_d6mMN1DKFojRGTr1kpl_3vQlPxsReI-WJCG_k1w0xFsTB59DuQ65vg6QTU8-l3q7sSFVrL-R6LaPzKKSOCU5l825Wig7ac1LtRYP23hey4zl/s1600/warden+balls.jpg" mua="true" /></a>As the RSPB’s many retail outlets gear up for the Christmas market, visiting birders will have noticed their stocks swelling, most notably the sudden increase in fat balls on offer.</div>
<br />
These tasty treats are sold to help attract tits to suburban birders' gardens, but behind their enticing putty-coloured facade lurks a darker secret. For some months now the RSPB has been disposing of ‘surplus’ wardens from their reserves under a top secret program known as the Reserves Strategic Review. <br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam (not his real name), an older reserve warden from the north of England, said “It’s been horrific, not knowing when the knock on the door will come and you discover your time is up. I sit at home at night with my wife in terrified silence with the doors deadlocked, all the curtains closed and the lights off. <br />
<br />
“During the day though, there’s nowhere to hide. They say it’s strategic, and that there will be jobs opening up elsewhere – that there’s a reshuffle going on. The dreadful reality is that they’re getting rid of the old guard, cutting out what they see as the dead wood, replacing them with young people with degrees and qualifications and, in some cases, even breasts. <br />
<br />
“But the really awful bit is that nobody knows what happens to those old wardens once they’ve been removed. You hear things though, whispers traded on what remains of the grapevine. Stories of wardens being removed in unspeakable circumstances... People are calling it the Reserves Strategic Rendition. And when they say rendition, they’re not talking about some fluffy kidnap and overseas torture scenario, oh no... <br />
<br />
“We’re talking about ex-wardens being boiled slowly down into tallow. Why else aren’t any of these recently axed wardens speaking out? You might think it's because they're the out-of-touch dinosaurs who don't use social media to announce their every bowel movement, let alone discuss in public their sacking... <br />
<br />
"While we think it's because they’ve been turned into fat balls, and are being sold in their former reserves’ shops. <br />
<br />
"It's so ironic it hurts". <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-4104953323995426612014-10-30T13:53:00.000+00:002014-10-30T13:53:37.860+00:00Impoverished north-east to replace lost heavy industry with Eastern Crowned Warblers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZambMYn5eY8xfYC-x4RFS_zVDaAkj9qe54FHhbSRHi2xrO7pn_4r8aNHsoep7WAlP0kCt8iFBtIt0gFo8b5WhrEb2MIeZv6pXQptz4vl_JDUBKl2OHWB0oGGGCn_lJIK8Uy3beqQVb5IV/s1600/crowner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_468946="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZambMYn5eY8xfYC-x4RFS_zVDaAkj9qe54FHhbSRHi2xrO7pn_4r8aNHsoep7WAlP0kCt8iFBtIt0gFo8b5WhrEb2MIeZv6pXQptz4vl_JDUBKl2OHWB0oGGGCn_lJIK8Uy3beqQVb5IV/s1600/crowner.jpg" mua="true" /></a></div>
With the discovery of yet another Eastern Crowned Warbler today in north-east England, awkward questions are beginning to be asked of the provenance of these charming far eastern vagrants.<br />
<br />
Tom Logan, a twitcher from west London, said “It’s a bit suspicious, frankly. Everyone knows that lightning doesn’t strike twice, except on Fair Isle, where it strikes repeatedly over and over again. So for Britain’s third Eastern Crowned Warbler to be found not a million miles away from the first, and a mere five years later, seems pretty fucking suspect to me. What’s going on in the north-east?”<br />
<br />
The answer, it seems, lies in leaked email correspondence between the councils in the area. There is rumoured to be a plan afoot to use European funding to support a carefully orchestrated release program of far eastern vagrant birds along the north-east coastline in an attempt to ‘replace the lost economic benefit of the heavy industry Thatcher shafted with a thriving autumn birding scene that will, in time, come to supplant Shetland’.<br />
<br />
The emails outline a plan to start with a succession of eye-catching Eastern Crowned Warblers, before in subsequent years stepping up the tempo with single Pale-legged and Sakhalin Leaf Warblers, and building to a crescendo in 2020 with the release of a Middendorff’s Grasshopper Warbler in Co.Durham.<br />
<br />
For now, birders are left wondering whether to set their scruples to one side and believe these birds could repeatedly occur in such an unlikely location. Tom Logan concluded, “The first bird is staying on my list. For fuck’s sake, Red-headed Bunting has been on there for decades too, so I’m hardly going to scratch this one out, no matter how preposterous it might seem”. <br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-74486460133136161672014-10-27T09:48:00.000+00:002014-10-29T09:05:50.875+00:00Depressed Starlings turning to heroin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglVekwybP0mziRUwbhrbvHJsBBxofcDWBCfD2imy0gtfx8-gQUkI8HDj_E4cJVL3eiJE-JTjsFHI5U9agp6EHRzy3sm3phY1PxByqWj4zcETY3KZVKcUEL-wYSY7wd57CawmeUzgT-Ly6A/s1600/junkie+starlings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_105995="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglVekwybP0mziRUwbhrbvHJsBBxofcDWBCfD2imy0gtfx8-gQUkI8HDj_E4cJVL3eiJE-JTjsFHI5U9agp6EHRzy3sm3phY1PxByqWj4zcETY3KZVKcUEL-wYSY7wd57CawmeUzgT-Ly6A/s1600/junkie+starlings.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
Researchers today revealed that Britain’s Starlings are suffering from a massive manic depressive episode, and are turning to drugs to alleviate their symptoms.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, a pharmacologist from Reading, said “We’ve long wondered why Starlings formed large flocks at this time of year. We even gave them a beautiful, evocative collective noun – we called them murmurations. When all along we should have been referring to them as downers.<br />
<br />
“What we’re actually seeing is a huge self-help group of depressed Starlings gathering to try to talk about their suicidal, black feelings, and to help one another to deal with them. The timing’s significant too – these flocks form at precisely the time of year when the days shorten and it’s all getting a bit dark, miserable and depressing out there. Coincidence? I think not”.<br />
<br />
Tom Logan, a bipolar Starling from Taunton, added “Black! Black! It’s all so black. They make me eat pins”. <br />
<br />
Some Starlings have been finding a little relief from the black dog of depression in the form of Prozac-infused leatherjacket larvae. Arthur Balsam continued, “People are taking so much Prozac these days, the active compound is found at residual levels at sewage treatment works. Which means it gets into the invertebrates found there, so Starlings that hang out near sewage farms tend to be a lot more happy-go-lucky. They’re doped to the eyeballs on Prozac.<br />
<br />
“Whereas other Starlings are turning to harder drugs to temporarily escape the desperate nihilism of their pointless existence. Heroin’s their drug of choice – they’re scoring it in the inner cities and shooting up in the countryside. The Somerset Levels are knee-deep in used needles at this time of year.<br />
<br />
“Those Starlings are really putting the vulgar back into <i>Sturnus vulgaris</i>. The dirty skag-hounds”.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-50917926486968808852014-10-23T13:33:00.000+01:002014-10-23T13:47:10.867+01:00Natural yoghurt shortage hits Out Hebrides<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2SruYItUtCw0yS8Ed_9sLYkYsBny4qhkyVutgyV6vG-MZVjgicGv82lUbzQJhiYHcdAUJ0z_YiJ5kq_pfKbuO5VxTdc3ri6CLxS5FDRFPr_4o8OufMhMxxHeJ9Ua57taSk06tw64DSE90/s1600/yoghurt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_688802="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2SruYItUtCw0yS8Ed_9sLYkYsBny4qhkyVutgyV6vG-MZVjgicGv82lUbzQJhiYHcdAUJ0z_YiJ5kq_pfKbuO5VxTdc3ri6CLxS5FDRFPr_4o8OufMhMxxHeJ9Ua57taSk06tw64DSE90/s1600/yoghurt.jpg" fua="true" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
The Out Hebrides today is suffering the effects of a sudden shortage of natural yoghurt, believed to have been caused by Hurricane Gonzalo.<br />
<br />
Dr Tom McLogan, the GP for Stornoway, commented “We understand that the extreme weather conditions caused by the remains of Hurricane Gonzalo striking the west coast may have disrupted supplies of natural yoghurt to the islands.<br />
<br />
“The dairy section shelves of the Co-op in Stornoway are empty, and I heard the rural shops ran out of yoghurt yesterday too. I'm told some of the white settlers may have limited supplies of natural goat yoghurt, but that’s not going to help us as the crisis develops.<br />
<br />
“Because everyone knows that goat-derived dairy products are bogging, and only fit for hippies, druids and special, home-educated children”.<br />
<br />
The effects of the yoghurt shortage are already being felt in the Hebrides, with the first reported cases of thrush coming to light in the past 24 hours on North Uist and Barra. Dr McLogan added “I’ll be candid with you. These are probably just the tip of a big thrush iceberg. For now, the first cases appear to be relatively mild, the easily treated Grey-cheeked and slightly more contagious Hermit strains of the disease. God help us all if the outbreak mutates and spreads...<br />
<br />
“At the first sign of cases of Bicknell’s or Wood Thrush we’re going to have to seal ourselves off from the mainland, and stop all travel into the islands. It'll be for your own safety.<br />
<br />
“In the meantime, I’d ask you all to pray for us. Things are getting pretty yeasty here in the hot-zone right now”. <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-38070316683652197842014-10-21T12:41:00.000+01:002014-10-21T18:00:09.070+01:00Alarm as large extinct mammals to be released in British countryside<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd5u_6PYHi_XPEosO6mLc45OP_3xdSLEvbayGdNI-bsjZEIY2B9kx3ushJtTSH9LVFYynsIjbR66bof0ms73LsHpZ0ItLFyydNeMHxzrZlPgIHDl7VsKDfOVdH62pWkAnXrmgRKy3B6ndt/s1600/johnnymorris.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_425488="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd5u_6PYHi_XPEosO6mLc45OP_3xdSLEvbayGdNI-bsjZEIY2B9kx3ushJtTSH9LVFYynsIjbR66bof0ms73LsHpZ0ItLFyydNeMHxzrZlPgIHDl7VsKDfOVdH62pWkAnXrmgRKy3B6ndt/s1600/johnnymorris.jpg" fua="true" height="320" width="219" /></a></div>
The debate continues to rage this week about the ethics of reintroducing endangered or entirely lost large mammals back into the British countryside.<br />
<br />
Opinions remain divided. On the one hand, supporters of the principle argue that the reintroduction of iconic species will have a trickle-down benefit for wildlife of all shapes and sizes, and will encourage wildlife tourism in remote areas.<br />
<br />
“The environmental benefits will be considerable,” said Arthur Balsam, professor of ecology at the University of St Ives. “But we shouldn’t underestimate the economic benefits that will also accrue. People will come a long way and pay good money to see an iconic large mammal that once graced our green and pleasant land but has been lost for some years.<br />
<br />
“And let’s be frank, our large mammal fauna is seriously impoverished and imperilled these days. At the top of the food chain we still have David Attenborough, but for how long? Beneath him you’ve got Chris Packham, clearly the beta male aspiring for alpha dominance. And then what? Bill Oddie is evidently a spent force these days, and then there’s the rest of them all wittering away about the ‘most deadly’ this and that, and appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, for fuck’s sake.<br />
<br />
“With a little imagination and some considerable scientific effort we could reintroduce some lost species. Imagine, if you will, a British countryside reinvigorated with Gerald Durrells and H.G.Alexanders. The passion for conservation, the dedication to the study of natural history... It’d be amazing to bring these big beasts back”.<br />
<br />
Some however remain less than convinced by the concept. Enid Felcher, a keen rambler and committed Daily Mail reader, said “I’d not feel safe in the countryside with these large, dangerous mammals on the loose. Where would it all end?<br />
<br />
“I’d be walking the North Downs way and would find myself confronted by Johnny Morris in a 1960s zookeeper’s uniform, carrying a bemused penguin, and doing strangulated anthropomorphic voices for the Kestrels and Field Mice.<br />
<br />
“Which would be properly scary shit”.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-64644109130778782182014-10-17T12:33:00.001+01:002014-10-17T12:34:12.635+01:00Shetland about to go critical<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ui93xh9k7V6YSJ91JYJt1A_T70IwCFMSUZX_1KWwDenyuJLqXkN_aJTtzV79YtZQLRiTLSmZcrZ8StHoNnpmOvrmvDrofc2pxpXSdnjlHMT8i5NJO_hZmfE_ZNYXdhwA8vbYrAakyH_L/s1600/black+hole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_707379="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ui93xh9k7V6YSJ91JYJt1A_T70IwCFMSUZX_1KWwDenyuJLqXkN_aJTtzV79YtZQLRiTLSmZcrZ8StHoNnpmOvrmvDrofc2pxpXSdnjlHMT8i5NJO_hZmfE_ZNYXdhwA8vbYrAakyH_L/s1600/black+hole.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
Scientists today issued a stark warning that Shetland is likely to go critical over the course of the coming weekend.<br />
<br />
Professor Arthur Balsam, currently studying the fabric of matter itself at the Large Hadron Collider at Cern, said “There’s a very real danger that things are going to get seriously fucked up this weekend on Shetland.<br />
<br />
“It’s like the perfect storm – a conjunction of circumstances that may cause the archipelago to go critical. There’s a powerful south-easterly weather system due to strike Shetland over the weekend, potentially bringing with it a deluge of Siberian vagrant birds. Already present on the island are a number of serious birders – and I can’t stress this enough, they’re the worst kind of all.<br />
<br />
“Normal birders are faintly nerdy. Serious birders on the other hand are much further up their own arses. The ones who go to Shetland are terrifyingly unstable – a combination of intense focus and dangerously laddish bravado. All this talk of ‘crews’ and ‘scoring’ is merely symptomatic of a syndrome we know as Avian Twattishness.<br />
<br />
“All it could take is one hair-trigger causal event to set off an unstoppable chain of reactions that could signal the birth of a supermassive black hole that engulfs us all. Consider if you will the following scenario:<br />
<br />
“A local who takes himself entirely too seriously as both a photographer and a finder of rare birds happens across a Siberian Accentor. He puts the news out to his ‘team’ first, and then to the local grapevine, and eventually the national news services. Serious birders converge on one point, all taking photographs of the accentor and posting them online in an orgy of self-indulgent proof that they were there.<br />
<br />
“Meanwhile said local puts an article online ostensibly bigging up Shetland as a birding destination, but mainly lauding himself. He uses the phrase ‘find tackle’ to describe the act of chancing upon a rare bird. A nation’s birders simultaneously curls its toes and does that little wince you do when you eat a bad olive. All that concentrated embarrassment tears a little hole in the fabric of time and space, and before we know it we’re in deep trouble, going critical.<br />
<br />
“Or as we prefer to say here at Cern, going Unst”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-27869801904456172042014-10-15T13:08:00.000+01:002014-10-15T14:56:19.847+01:00David Miliband declared a Marine Protected Area<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyZBICkXEWNGi3EvrVmHNBj7G7UCYpyBQrfz8E46OTPakSY1Mww0Kxjx6MsSE6pWVNJUbkG0euSn7_HOIYs8xDKk6jR7adzVtjvCaToWxkc8ZPoLBiqKx0Q9UHunIIWchNan8rSEH9U9l5/s1600/Miliband.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_351702="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyZBICkXEWNGi3EvrVmHNBj7G7UCYpyBQrfz8E46OTPakSY1Mww0Kxjx6MsSE6pWVNJUbkG0euSn7_HOIYs8xDKk6jR7adzVtjvCaToWxkc8ZPoLBiqKx0Q9UHunIIWchNan8rSEH9U9l5/s1600/Miliband.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
Former leader of the Labour party David Miliband was today declared a Marine Protected Area (MPA) by the former inhabitants of the Chagos Islands.<br />
<br />
Tomas Logasso, spokesman for the Chagossians, said “David Miliband’s pristine coral reefs and unique ecosystems will be preserved by the restrictions an MPA imposes on any activity in his vicinity”.<br />
<br />
When it was pointed out to Mr Logasso that David Miliband’s marine fauna was in no way remarkable, and the decision to award him MPA status was lacking in both scientific credibility and diplomatic integrity, he shrugged dismissively.<br />
<br />
“David Miliband completely ignored the advice of his civil servants and fisheries advisors when he rushed through an MPA covering 640,000 square kilometres of British Indian Ocean Territory before the last general election. So rushed was it that despite ensuring displaced Chagossians can never move back to their home islands, they somehow forgot to include Diego Garcia. Which, coincidentally, houses a notoriously shady US military base.<br />
<br />
“It was almost as if that MPA was all about politics and nothing whatsoever to do with conservation or sound science”.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, professor of marine ecology at the University of St Ives, remarked “David Miliband’s new MPA status is going to stifle all activity for miles around him. I wonder if someone slapped an MPA on the entire Conservative party when they were elected in 2010 and forgot to mention it?<br />
<br />
“There’s certainly been no positive environmental activity happening anywhere near them in the last four years”. <br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-9460275438659501272014-10-11T18:35:00.000+01:002014-10-11T18:35:34.079+01:00Shetland shafts Scilly. Again.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga9RvLawFkmaKHoXIR7pzdWB5-CLRaZZba2KDL9XZcGW8k9QeuU93lQE7TJrOPPFuY4h88_XhmqPez4O09r-YXslW4pP-YIPO9NEaflVT7b_4GSS3-wNjtfXym3ZR5prCcyn8Dj2F74xuC/s1600/gagwell+warbler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga9RvLawFkmaKHoXIR7pzdWB5-CLRaZZba2KDL9XZcGW8k9QeuU93lQE7TJrOPPFuY4h88_XhmqPez4O09r-YXslW4pP-YIPO9NEaflVT7b_4GSS3-wNjtfXym3ZR5prCcyn8Dj2F74xuC/s1600/gagwell+warbler.jpg" height="320" width="246" /></a></div>
As Scilly began to flicker into a semblance of life this weekend with a couple of Yellow-browed Warblers reported from the fortunate isles, Shetland came roaring back with yet another mega bird.<br />
<br />
Initially reported as a Western Bonelli's Warbler, the pagers sprang into life this morning with the bird re-identified as the considerably rarer Eastern Bonelli's Warbler, a subtly different species altogether.<br />
<br />
Whilst planes were being chartered from England for chequebook birders to catch up with this challenging species, some birders were fortunate enough to be on-site already.<br />
<br />
Barry Gagwell, a twitcher-type and media whore from West Sussex said eagerly, "I was already in Shetland, so this was easy for me. As soon as I got on site, I knew this was an Eastern. Identifying it was a complete piece of piss. I heard it called as one".<br />
<br />
Eastern Bonelli's Warbler is said to have a distinctly different call from its Western counterpart. Arthur Balsam, a birder from East Yorkshire who had spent the past fortnight hacking through iris beds in Shetland's south mainland remarked, "It's true. Barry actually did hear a couple of credible local birders say they thought it was an Eastern after all.<br />
<br />
"Granted, he's fucking hopeless at identifying birds, but he's red hot at repeating what other people have told him. Credit where it's due and all that".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-62748478035765621232014-10-08T16:20:00.000+01:002014-10-08T16:20:54.044+01:00UK400Club members call for day of rage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhitrq8M_rlGFmkf2atGnuqfxaGd3AIFKgSwUnxFCDMi1vC7XcWtgRlacAvT3o1rgfwsHVWgxCOoNeneMqrPshNRw1JcZZ2lR3y_oB7Uwe1RZmT4lbX-pV8lC7xNqFACIxKkxT3thdizf-c/s1600/birdspotter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_115832="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhitrq8M_rlGFmkf2atGnuqfxaGd3AIFKgSwUnxFCDMi1vC7XcWtgRlacAvT3o1rgfwsHVWgxCOoNeneMqrPshNRw1JcZZ2lR3y_oB7Uwe1RZmT4lbX-pV8lC7xNqFACIxKkxT3thdizf-c/s1600/birdspotter.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
Members of the niche birdspotters clique the UK400Club today called for a ‘day of rage’ this coming Friday to highlight the continued devaluation of all the onetime blockers on their collective lists.<br />
<br />
<br />
It is believed that the recent upsurge in numbers of Siberian Rubythroats has proven a tipping point for the reclusive, shy and retiring founder of the UK400Club and its shadowy political wing the British Birdwatching Association, Lee Evans. Whilst typically unavailable for comment this week, it is understood that Mr Evans and his followers are dismayed at the continued and baffling popularity of twitching, the name given to the hobby of travelling around Britain and the conveniently adjacent and English-speaking Ireland to see rare birds, and the ease with which new twitchers can 'tick' previously exclusive rare birds on their lists.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, a twitcher from Basingstoke who’s been birding since the 1970s said, “I reckon yet another long-staying and reliable male Siberian Rubythroat in Shetland was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Lee. Bad enough that Red-flanked Bluetails suddenly got common, but after slating the provenance of the Osmington Mills rubythroat Lee surely thought he’d done everything to protect the sanctity of the previous rubythroat records.<br />
<br />
“Turns out he was wrong. And now every man and his dog has had a chance to catch up with a Siberian Rubythroat, and they’re being talked about as “annual Shetland padders” on Birdforum. Which means it must be true.<br />
<br />
“Next thing we all know there’s going to be a run of Little Whimbrels and Hudsonian Godwits, and then we’ll have literally nothing left to be smug about.”<br />
<br />
Quite what form the day of rage will take remains unclear, but early indications are that it may involve some furious bitching, sly backstabbing, outrageous exaggeration and bare-faced lying.<br />
<br />
“I’m not sure how we’ll know the difference from how we usually carry on,” added a worried Mr Balsam.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-31480407770306835962014-10-03T11:03:00.002+01:002014-10-03T11:03:22.040+01:00Hipster birders flock to Scilly<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiswndgLp20pVcqFD6-gNcAI7o6A9Hv6ozQaYHc28BD0giZMY5YDoi2qAVzwujzLgU0u-4iDUpDYpq0oqyxYDxOtwHzKylVDQgb3QZbQecf8EDjR4zaEQRh6HcrmgUvsQt0wQGO2PkkVoI2/s1600/hipster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_259869="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiswndgLp20pVcqFD6-gNcAI7o6A9Hv6ozQaYHc28BD0giZMY5YDoi2qAVzwujzLgU0u-4iDUpDYpq0oqyxYDxOtwHzKylVDQgb3QZbQecf8EDjR4zaEQRh6HcrmgUvsQt0wQGO2PkkVoI2/s1600/hipster.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
The Isles of Scilly (or ‘Scilly’, as the cognoscenti knowingly refer to them) are this weekend bracing themselves for their usual annual invasion of keen birdspotters. But this year, there will be something different walking the lanes of St Agnes and gorging the scones of St Mary’s.<br />
<br />
This year, Scilly is to be visited by hordes of the new wave of young birders, uber cool hipster types sporting ironic beards and getting down with the old-skool Scilly vibe. “It’s like, going to be happening,” said Tom Logan, a heavily bearded birder who lives in a loft near Brick Lane. “We’re going to totally rock the 1980s look. <br />
<br />
“I’ve picked up a pair of Optolyth Alpin 10x40s, a Mirador Merlin scope, and a laughably heavy Slik tripod. Trudie, my girlfriend, has got me a Barbour jacket and some Hunter wellies, and I’ve sourced some original YOC badges to pin to my woolly hat. I'm trading my iPhone for something called a CB, though I'm not entirely sure if one of those is compatible with the Rare Bird Alert app. I’m going to sleep in the public toilets on my first night there, and after that I might try camping in an orange nylon tent with my mate Hedgehog”.<br />
<br />
Hedgehog (or Mark, as his parents prefer to call him) added, “Everyone says Shetland’s where it’s happening. But that’s like, so lame. Scilly is the new Shetland these days. We’re breaking new ground here, scoring rares heavily, doing a pioneering kind of thing”.<br />
<br />
Scilly’s handful of regulars appear perturbed by the imminent arrival of their young counterparts. Enid Felcher, a retired librarian from Reading who’s been visiting Scilly since 2009, said “I’m quite concerned. What are these ‘rares’ this young man speaks of, and how on earth does he expect to see them? Surely he doesn’t think he’s going to find them all by himself? Isn’t he coming here to see the locally distinctive and delightfully tame Song Thrushes?<br />
<br />
“I shall be most upset if all these young men get rowdy and eat all the scones and crab sandwiches. I find their beards frightening too”.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-76513654256753502632014-09-30T12:44:00.001+01:002014-09-30T12:48:54.083+01:00Tory badger defects to UKIP<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMzw3D60xtWW41UQDB4_-yxkKM23SKCE2YOERo8Wv_9EkXVAhe2Ozr4UGpeJWFdyiHbxBvB3x2TSRRYcSAFYdi_jZlkKJXFZRdGX7YNpLuy9vJB4xUZKxRcZOXzxYAIAbi96WkkyKM7ks5/s1600/badger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_558455="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMzw3D60xtWW41UQDB4_-yxkKM23SKCE2YOERo8Wv_9EkXVAhe2Ozr4UGpeJWFdyiHbxBvB3x2TSRRYcSAFYdi_jZlkKJXFZRdGX7YNpLuy9vJB4xUZKxRcZOXzxYAIAbi96WkkyKM7ks5/s1600/badger.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
The annual Conservative Party conference has been rocked this week by the defection of the Tory’s only badger Member of Parliament to arch-rivals UKIP.<br />
<br />
Tom Logan MP, a badger from Rochester, announced he’d had enough of the Conservatives’ “wishy-washy” policies on immigration and Europe, adding “I wish they’d stop shooting badgers too, come to think of it”.<br />
<br />
The resumption of a badger cull in an attempt to stem the spread of bovine tuberculosis has been strangely low on the Conservatives’ political agenda during the current party conference, with MPs preferring to discuss more pressing issues such as the country’s deficit, the future management of the NHS, and lifting the former Labour government’s hunting ban to allow the hunting with hounds of illegal immigrants, benefit cheats, and “anyone with a funny-sounding, foreign Johnny name”.<br />
<br />
Basil Brush, the leader of UKIP, grinned toothsomely and said “We’re delighted to welcome this arguably bigoted and none-too-bright badger into our midst. I look forward sharing some xenophobic and economically unsound views with him over a pint of warm bitter in my local. We’ve got plenty in common, and he may be able to assist me in choosing a venue for our next party rally.<br />
<br />
“Sadly it can’t be in mainland Europe, so that’s Nuremberg out”. <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-5268542304941226502014-09-25T09:26:00.000+01:002014-09-25T09:26:25.701+01:00Royal family in alien shape shifter shocker<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JAbWkTeFvzCHObLxjedbfH5TCkKtsvw4tgPF3N4rMqPZMUbg3QZQ1HHjpwxktSj_FXIYQZu4NYV351O6qKP0vEygrWehinYHdsnVSBXYbMiqQ88UVcMnASodfM3Kq0-EYsChufze4XM6/s1600/german+rex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_431719="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JAbWkTeFvzCHObLxjedbfH5TCkKtsvw4tgPF3N4rMqPZMUbg3QZQ1HHjpwxktSj_FXIYQZu4NYV351O6qKP0vEygrWehinYHdsnVSBXYbMiqQ88UVcMnASodfM3Kq0-EYsChufze4XM6/s1600/german+rex.jpg" fua="true" /></a></div>
While David Cameron apologises today to the Queen for inadvertently revealing that she ‘purred’ when he told her the outcome of the recent referendum for Scottish independence, the rest of Britain this morning is coming to terms with the likelihood that the Royal family may be alien shape shifters that wear human forms like the rest of us wear clothes.<br />
<br />
<br />
The ‘purring’ Queen indicates she may be a large, contented cat. A source within Buckingham Palace suggested that when out of her human form she most closely resembles a British Shorthair, adding “the only surprise really is that she looks nothing like a German Rex”. The Palace insider would not confirm rumours that Her Majesty enjoys a morning House Sparrow for her breakfast, nor that she has a scratching post, a jingly ball, and a litter tray in her bedroom.<br />
<br />
Nicholas Twitchall, the BBC’s Royal Correspondent, said “For those in the know, it’s long been suspected that the royals aren’t like normal people. I once thought I saw Prince Charles pull his human form off whilst skiing in Austria. It was grim as fuck – like that bit in ‘V’ when the lizard-like alien tears its human face off. This was even scarier than that – it looked just like an inoffensive and arguably evolutionarily redundant Giant Panda.”<br />
<br />
It appears as if all the Royal family (or the Firm, as they apparently prefer to be known) may have different alien forms. Tom Logan, a Natural England employee who once witnessed a Hen Harrier appearing to be shot near the Sandringham Estate said “Unfortunately we couldn’t provide enough clear evidence to link anyone with the harrier’s disappearance. <br />
<br />
“The presence of a massive, ginger male chicken in the area seemed innocuous at the time...”<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-56026791768034801262014-09-17T12:39:00.000+01:002014-09-17T14:22:19.118+01:00UK government begs Scotland "don't leave us alone with George Monbiot"<div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ur72LXDmXLnlVJ25zB-nv876UPfn7ezDbnnGs6ASeA_hVkGxflBSyI9yxeILevgpuwVr8axAp8n4WJHvJp_qlyVhwfKN5QF6GLmp4Exq17OTRV6VTrUgnM2w6b-YdgxooRVPcmijxmTC/s1600/thistle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_415837="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ur72LXDmXLnlVJ25zB-nv876UPfn7ezDbnnGs6ASeA_hVkGxflBSyI9yxeILevgpuwVr8axAp8n4WJHvJp_qlyVhwfKN5QF6GLmp4Exq17OTRV6VTrUgnM2w6b-YdgxooRVPcmijxmTC/s1600/thistle.jpg" dua="true" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
As Scotland stands on the brink of a referendum in which it might chose to sever the comparatively recent historic ties with the rest of the United Kingdom, the UK government has pleaded with voters "not to leave us alone with George Monbiot".</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Arthur Balsam, a government spokesman, pleaded "Please, for the love of all that's holy, don't do this to us. As it stands, he turns his attention to all of the UK. But if you're gone, he'll start paying even more attention to what we're doing here in England.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"He asks awkward questions at the best of times, and it's not even as if he's restricting his opinions to trifles like civil liberties or suchlike fripperies - no, he's even interested in the environment, and we'd rather nobody looks too closely at our record in that department.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Though, of course, we are officially The Greenest Government. Ever!"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Tom McLogan, an undecided Scottish voter living in Edinburgh, voiced the sentiments of either 49% or 51% of the population north of the border when he said, "The more the English plead, threaten and cajole us to stay, the more it makes us want to tell you to go boil your heid. We're planning on cloning George and replacing Trident in Faslane with our own Monbiot deterrent.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"He's at least as terrifying as your nuclear weapons, and he's far more discriminating. He's got your number, David Cameron...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Now your pals cannae hunt foxes, you're making it legal to kill badgers instead. I can see how you might be worried about an independent Scotland. We might do something mad like reform the outdated system of land ownership, clamp down on wildlife crime on shooting estates, negotiate a Scottish-focused deal in agri-environment payments from Europe, maybe indulge in a bit of re-wilding of the Highlands... Who knows what we might get up to?</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Alternatively, we could just tell you to go fuck yourself, posh boy". </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-29673905408094659522014-09-15T12:21:00.000+01:002014-09-15T12:21:20.260+01:00Fair Isle cat says "bring it"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0qvEjQtFXfcXSU6MuEj1zRlkLdFK4nCfnqt-eamLFUlui0J1sFMKx_T0ZFXZWqBNupnEXd5aW5FZc68WNGeGI_Se9DjEtgqCQtt-f3WdG3bTv81f20zGTPta_fbhziqRSzIvvXm6u-5m8/s1600/thomas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_440209="null" cua="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0qvEjQtFXfcXSU6MuEj1zRlkLdFK4nCfnqt-eamLFUlui0J1sFMKx_T0ZFXZWqBNupnEXd5aW5FZc68WNGeGI_Se9DjEtgqCQtt-f3WdG3bTv81f20zGTPta_fbhziqRSzIvvXm6u-5m8/s1600/thomas.jpg" height="320" width="267" /></a></div>
With autumn gearing up and the weather charts auguring well for an epic fall this week, Fair Isle’s premier bird finder is looking forward to a bumper season.<br />
<br />
Thomas 'Lower' Logan, a cat from the south end of the island who’s seen more Sibes than you have remarked, “I can’t fucking wait. There’s nothing I enjoy more than stepping outside in the morning with a belly full of cat chow for a spot of pointless rarity hunting. At this time of year, you never know what you might find.<br />
<br />
“Maybe it’ll be something dull and unlovable that nobody will miss, a Common Rosefinch say. Or perhaps it’ll be some pleasingly exhausted North American passerine from the boreal forest that’s no idea what a cat is, and can barely fly anyway.”<br />
<br />
Thomas has been accused of targeting colourful and ultra rare passerines in the past, with the short stay of certain birds on the island being seen as particularly suspicious. Arthur Balsam, a frustrated twitcher from Stockport said, “Yeah, it’s funny how the Magnolia Warbler in 2012 vanished overnight. Or that Roller the other year. Though one of the former observatory staff members who really should have known better did unkindly suggest the latter bird might have been something else entirely, like a windblown salt and vinegar crisp packet, or plain fantasy...”<br />
<br />
Thomas remains unrepentant and unperturbed. “That’s bollocks,” he said. “I’m completely indiscriminate. I don’t have colour vision - I'm a cat, for fuck’s sake. I had nothing to do with the Magnolia Warbler’s disappearance. Mind you, I’ve seen considerably more Siberian Blue and Rufous-tailed Robins than you have, that’s all I’m saying.”<br />
<br />
As the observatory staff on census came into view on the horizon, Thomas set off to work the yard at Burkle.<br />
<br />
“Bring it,” he said.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2221719288167205444.post-11055748795440874052014-09-11T12:17:00.000+01:002014-09-11T12:17:02.677+01:00Scilly islanders relish chance to give birders a good kicking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEYAUBiRaeHzo0FH5yX0bFHi3xc1gIFa7YODNaJKfnh64CRyj7qZYaH5ecV3ChaH77VrqpVCr5YkhM-JBDfJ3NRPyEI6rqopheCSFYD7LyVy9OQlQW0Gyahj8ZfsEgUf7tOXH-ZAXywrj4/s1600/Scilly+footballers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_803467="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEYAUBiRaeHzo0FH5yX0bFHi3xc1gIFa7YODNaJKfnh64CRyj7qZYaH5ecV3ChaH77VrqpVCr5YkhM-JBDfJ3NRPyEI6rqopheCSFYD7LyVy9OQlQW0Gyahj8ZfsEgUf7tOXH-ZAXywrj4/s1600/Scilly+footballers.jpg" dua="true" /></a></div>
With Rare Bird Alert issuing a rallying call yesterday for birders to participate in the once annual Islanders vs. Birders football match, locals on the Isles of Scilly were today relishing the chance to administer an overdue kicking to a birder or two.<br />
<br />
<br />
Organisers of the football match are clearly worried that there won’t be enough able-bodied birders on the island at any given moment to muster an 11 man side, and have offered an initial wide window of 22 days in October during which the match may be held. Aware of the demographic of the average October visiting birder, incontinence pads will be offered alongside the traditional halftime oranges.<br />
<br />
Arthur Balsam, a birder from Reading, said “I’m jolly excited about this! I’ve been a regular on the Scillies since 2011, and can’t wait to have a kick-around with the local chaps! I shall make sure my binos are nearby though in case one of the young Turks on the islands chances upon something mega. I’ll be wearing my pager on my shorts. <br />
<br />
“I wouldn’t want to miss a chance to add a lifer to my tick list!”<br />
<br />
Locals are more sanguine about the mooted football match. Tom Trelogan, creel fisherman and midfield general, said “I can’t wait to kick the shit out of an emmet birdspotter.<br />
<br />
“That’ll teach the moaning twats to wander down the middle of the road in Hugh Town oblivious to anyone in a car needing to get to work. Or to trample through a bulb field they’re definitely not welcome in. Or to whinge about the price of the inter-island boats or accommodation.<br />
<br />
“It’s all a bit rich when they’re all retired on a juicy pension and carrying Swarovski scopes over their shoulders.<br />
<br />
“Still, at least the tea-rooms do a good trade when they’re here on holiday.”<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0