Thursday, 4 September 2014

Great Maltese Bake Off contestant Diana quits

Popular, sparkly-eyed and genial Great Maltese Bake Off contestant Diana broke her silence this morning to speak openly about the furore surrounding her sudden departure from the show last night.

In the previous week’s episode it appeared as if Diana had sabotaged fellow contestant Iain’s exotic Hoopoe and Bee-eater infused Baked Alaska pudding by removing it from the freezer to make room for her own more conventional puréed Turtle Dove dessert filling.

Inevitably, the Maltese public were quick to take to Twitter to condemn Mary out of hand; but in the ensuing days speculation began that bearded Valetta hipster Iain may actually just have had a bit of a hissy fit when his pudding began to melt and reveal carelessly overlooked lead shot; and that the Maltese Broadcasting Corporation had edited the show in such a way as to incriminate Diana.

Last night’s show did nothing to allay the rumours, as viewers were told Diana had left the show ‘due to illness’. Speaking today from her husband’s hunting cabin in the Zejtun hills, Diana said “I certainly didn’t sabotage Iain’s dessert. There was no need to – the judges simply wouldn’t have approved of the strange marriage of species he was trying to make.

“My Turtle Dove filled Baked Alaska was a triumph – all of them blithely slaughtered by my brave husband, and picked from his bulging game bag by my own fair hands. It took a while to find enough amongst the innumerable Hen Harriers, Little Bitterns and Swifts he’d also shot that morning, but we got there in the end.

“I have no regrets whatsoever about my participation in the Great Maltese Bake Off. I left due to a sudden illness, and not because of any scandal involving Iain. I just wish I could have stayed in the competition - it was ever so much fun from start to finish. What larks!

“Mainly Skylark and Short-toed Lark – we baked dozens of them in earlier episodes. It made a pleasant change from just shooting them for shit and giggles.

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