The carefully cultivated image of Bob the Red Squirrel as a
wholesome, cute and somewhat endangered front for the RSPB began to show signs
of strain when his drey was raided by police as part of the ongoing Operation
Scots Pine Tree. As yet, Bob has not been interviewed under caution, and it is
understood that no charges will be forthcoming in the absence of any hard
evidence.
A police spokesman said “We found nothing but some soft
moss, pine needles and grass lining the drey. We think he may have buried what
we’re looking for somewhere in the forest floor. Unfortunately, Bob claims he
can’t remember where.”
Rumours had abounded for some time that Bob was operating a
crack-drey, with nervous squirrels seen coming and going in the area at all hours of the
day and night, muttering something about “Bob’s massive stash of nuts”. ‘Nuts’
is believed to be ancient Caledonian forest slang for crack cocaine.
Matters deteriorated when Bob was photographed outside an
Inverness nightclub indulging in mutual grooming with a female Red Squirrel who
was clearly not his established mate. A press release was issued denying any
wrongdoing, stating, “it’s a well-established fact that Red Squirrels are
polygamous, and may have more than one mate in any given breeding season”.
It came as a shock then when a Grey Squirrel escort known as
Saucy Beechmast came forward to claim she’d spent a night of wild passion with
Bob after he picked her up in the woods outside Aviemore. “He was
branch-crawling, looking for a good time,” said Ms Beechmast, “and I certainly
gave him one, the dirty forest-dwelling beast!”
Bob was seen visiting an SSPCA clinic this morning,
complaining that he’d contracted squirrelpox from Ms Beechmast, adding “She
said we could do it bareback, but now I’m oozing from every orifice.
“Whore."https://www.voteforbob.co.uk/
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