Monday, 18 August 2014

Magpies not blinged up, say researchers

University researchers have revealed today that, contrary to popular belief, Magpies are not irresistibly attracted to bright shiny objects, and when blagging in your house prefer easily fenced electrical goods to jewellery.

Professor Arthur Balsam commented “It’s long been an accepted wisdom that Magpies can’t resist glittery, shiny things. When you came back from your holidays and discovered your house had been ransacked and your wife’s diamonds had been stolen, it was always the local Magpies that the police would pull from the local hawthorn hedge for a quiet chat. Turns out, Magpies prefer popular electrical goods. The cheeky scallies”.

Tom Logan, a Magpie from Exeter agreed. “Yeah, we gave up nicking jewellery years ago. It’s hard to fence, innit. All them cash for gold websites have fucked us right over. And anyway, everyone wants a scrubbed iPhone these days, know what I’m saying? We’d take your flat screen telly if we could, but they’re so bastard big these days we just can’t get airborne carrying the motherfuckers.

“So all we do now when we break in your house is look for the phones. That and trash the joint, stick your toothbrush up our vent and take selfies with your wife’s knickers on our faces.

“Some things will never change - the old ones are still the best”.

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