Tuesday, 22 December 2009

It's okay to eat your neighbour's pussy

Following hot on the heels of the successful Facebook campaign to install Rage Against the Machine's sweary single "Killing in the name" as the UK's Christmas #1 comes another Facebook campaign that seeks to target another venerable Christmas institution - the roast turkey dinner. Facebook devotees are instead being urged to kill and roast a neighbour's cat, on the grounds that it will be one less slit-eyed maniac killing garden birds or shitting in your flowerbeds, and will provide double the amount of drumsticks for the family to squabble over.

Tom Logan, a birder and founder of the online "A cat is for Christmas, not for life" campaign explained further, "The idea came to me over the weekend while I was watching my bird feeders swarming with birds in the snowy weather, when I spotted next-door's ginger tom sneaking in over the fence. By the time I'd run to the back door to encourage the mangy bird-killer to fuck off with a bucket of water, it'd made it to the patio and was busy pushing out a meaty cat log right in front of the French windows. The bastard was a sitting duck, and suddenly the bucket of water seemed a bit lame. So I went into the garage, grabbed a shovel, and twatted the ginger fucker while it was doing that annoying scraping thing that doesn't quite conceal the fact that a neighbour's cat has just done a big stinky shit right were your kids are going to find it."

He concluded, "I was wondering how to dispose of the body when it occurred to me that Mr Chuckles was now just a big lump of protein, and without his fur would be practically indistinguishable from a turkey. Apart from the extra two legs, obviously. Anyway, long story short, he's now hanging in the garage and we'll be eating him on Christmas Day. Job's a good 'un."

The Facebook campaign has already registered over 250,000 supporters, and is gathering momentum in the run-up to this recession-hit Christmas. Killing and eating your neighbour's cat seems to be striking a chord with the cash-strapped middle classes, conditioned as they are to seasonal produce, urban foraging, and Richard Mabey's "Food for free". Patricia Hogarth, a working mother from Harrow-on-the-hill said, "It's ever so now, don't you know? My husband Oliver is going to take the children out to hunt for our Christmas cat on Christmas Eve - they'll batter the free-range moggy to death with the traditional shovel, and I'll cook it on Christmas Day. It'll be super fun, and a great way to spend our precious quality time together!"

A desperate online counter-campaign launched by the Turkey Marketing Board ("Have a little gobble this Xmas") has failed to attract even a fraction of the pro-cat movement. A spokesman for the TMB said, "It's disgusting - who in their right minds would want to eat a domestic cat in preference to one of our delicious intensively-reared, growth-hormone saturated birds? I just can't understand it."

Meanwhile, Mrs Enid Felcher, an elderly Cats Protection League member said, "You sick fuckers, I hope you all die of food poisoning, you twats."

2 comments:

  1. Now there's an idea. I bet it tastes "a bit like chicken".........

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