UK government begs Scotland "don't leave us alone with George Monbiot"

As Scotland stands on the brink of a referendum in which it might chose to sever the comparatively recent historic ties with the rest of the United Kingdom, the UK government has pleaded with voters "not to leave us alone with George Monbiot".

Arthur Balsam, a government spokesman, pleaded "Please, for the love of all that's holy, don't do this to us. As it stands, he turns his attention to all of the UK. But if you're gone, he'll start paying even more attention to what we're doing here in England.

"He asks awkward questions at the best of times, and it's not even as if he's restricting his opinions to trifles like civil liberties or suchlike fripperies - no, he's even interested in the environment, and we'd rather nobody looks too closely at our record in that department.

"Though, of course, we are officially The Greenest Government. Ever!"

Tom McLogan, an undecided Scottish voter living in Edinburgh, voiced the sentiments of either 49% or 51% of the population north of the border when he said, "The more the English plead, threaten and cajole us to stay, the more it makes us want to tell you to go boil your heid. We're planning on cloning George and replacing Trident in Faslane with our own Monbiot deterrent.

"He's at least as terrifying as your nuclear weapons, and he's far more discriminating. He's got your number, David Cameron...

"Now your pals cannae hunt foxes, you're making it legal to kill badgers instead. I can see how you might be worried about an independent Scotland. We might do something mad like reform the outdated system of land ownership, clamp down on wildlife crime on shooting estates, negotiate a Scottish-focused deal in agri-environment payments from Europe, maybe indulge in a bit of re-wilding of the Highlands... Who knows what we might get up to?

"Alternatively, we could just tell you to go fuck yourself, posh boy".