Measures announced to deal with IBIS terror threat

The British Government this morning announced new measures to tackle the growing threat to national security posed by ibis. The threat level in the UK was raised this weekend from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’ as officials reacted to recent movements of ibis towards Britain.

Tom Logan, a security specialist from the BTO said, “The threat level posed to Britain by ibis has been growing substantially in the past year – increasing numbers of Glossy Ibis chose to overwinter here last winter, and news emerged last month that a pair of them attempted to breed in Lincolnshire. That’s a worrying development.

“That’s not even taking into account the threat posed by Sacred Ibis – they’ve been moving steadily towards Britain for a number of years now, and it’s only a matter of time before they establish a beachhead at Dungeness.”

David Cameron meanwhile is expected to sanction direct British involvement in Syria to counter Northern Bald Ibis. “They’re a particularly unpleasant threat,” he said, “with their sinister black plumage, bald heads and weird eyes and everything. We need to eradicate them before they migrate from Syria. Current intelligence suggests their leaders go to hide in the remote highlands of Ethiopia, but who knows where newly radicalised, or fledged, juveniles get to. We need to deal with them before they bring terror to our streets.

“We’re not ruling out the use of military force in Syria, but think we’d like to deploy Owen Paterson there in the first instance. He’s the most effective, proven environmental scourge we have at our disposal.

“Mind you, he made an almighty fuck-up with those badgers. Maybe we will need boots on the ground after all...”