Pope says twitching 'will make you go blind'

On the eve of the Papal visit to the United Kingdom, the Vatican has issued a new catechism that sets out the moral and religious argument against twitching.

The catechism claims that while birding is permissible on every day of the week except Sundays and during Lent, twitching is an abhorence against God's almighty will and 'will be punished by an eternity in the fiery pit'.

Tom Loggiano, a Vatican spokesman added "And in this life, it'll make you go blind. So don't do it, you secular British bastards."

Pope Benedict XVI is due to arrive in London tomorrow morning, where he expects to be greeted as a head of state and with all the pomp and ceremony that position affords him. Instead, he is likely to be met by a baying mob of twitchers and the NSPCC.

Arthur Balsam, a twitcher from Uxbridge said "Anyone would think there was something shameful and sordid about twitching. The reality is that it's a perfectly natural thing for a man to do. It's a harmless outlet for our natural urges, and is just our way of passing the time.

"In the same way that laundering Nazi gold, protecting paedophile priests, and denying the existence of evolution has made the past few decades simply race by for the Catholic church."