Angler catches Cormorant the weight of Kylie Minogue

As news broke today of an alleged assault on a coarse fisherman in the north of England by a paramilitary twitcher, happier news came from the south where a fisherman landed a Cormorant that tipped the scales at 94lb, the same weight as Australian pop sensation Kylie Minogue.

The proud angler, who did not wish to be named for fear of reprisals from angry bird-lovers said, "I'd got my tackle out, and I was settling down in my tent with a really mint copy of Escort I'd found in the bushes behind my angling pitch. It'd hardly been used at all by the previous anglers, and the pages weren't that badly stuck together or anything. I'd just made myself comfortable with a good view out of the tent so I could see if anything was coming, and I was waiting with the Reader's Wives to see if I'd get a tug on my big rod. All of a sudden the most fucking enormous bastard Cormorant landed in a tree nearby, and all thoughts of horny Jina from Ashford went clean out of my head.

"I grabbed my weapon and took aim. It was hard, and my hands were shaking that much with excitement. I knew nobody would believe the size of it if it got away. I let rip with both barrels of my shotgun, and down it came. What a beauty! I won't be throwing this one back - I'm going to have it stuffed so I can bore my fishing mates by telling them the story of how I caught it over and over again, and wank myself senseless over it when they're not around."

Tom Logan, a birder from Uttoxeter said "I think it's fucking disgusting the way those sad tossers feel they have to kill Cormorants because they eat fish anglers would like to catch. What are they trying to prove? The Cormorants are just doing what comes naturally to them. Unlike anglers, who're clearly just sad lonely men with a really pathetic hobby. Not like birdwatching, which is clearly a perfectly normal and manly thing to do, and not at all the preserve of socially inadequate men who'd do well to get a life, or a girlfriend for starters."

While the anglers continue to bay for birdwatchers' blood over the alleged assault on one of their number in the north, the local police issued a statement saying that no birdwatchers were being sought to assist them with their enquiries, as "any bloke who spots birds is obviously going to fight like a girl, and wouldn't be capable of breaking sweat, let alone somebody's nose."